Listen, big guy:
I don’t care if there are health benefits of petting a dog…I just don’t want you petting ME!
Sure, you might have heard that petting dogs can help:
- Lower your blood pressure
- Lower your heart rate
- Decrease loneliness
- Improve mood
- Release a hormone called oxytocin that helps you feel good
Maybe you’ve heard that petting a dog lowers the amount of a hormone in your body called cortisol that normally makes you guys all stressed out all the time. Apparently, you humans even believe that petting dogs can help you live longer! What am I, some miracle doggo?
I got news for you, buddy: I’m not your little stress reliever! I’m a cute, tiny, neat, CLEAN little Chihuahua and I don’t want my head looking all matted and gross—especially not on camera in front of thousands of people on the internet.
And yeah, I’ll admit it: I like snuggling with you. I like when you let me sit on your lap. I especially like when you take me for walks and sneak me bits of food from the dinner table (although I don’t think the other human likes that).
But when you start getting your stinky, sweaty, grimy fingers all over my perfectly shaped head, boy—I just go BESERK! Keep those sausage-looking things away from me, or I’m going to CRONCH them.
I mean, have you seen my vicious teeth? Seriously, dude. I may only weigh about 5 pounds but I WILL DESTROY YOU.
By the way, ever heard of taking a HINT?
Believe it or not, not all dogs like being pet on the head. In fact, a LOT of us don’t like being pet on the head, paws, or tail! So, maybe you should try scratching me somewhere ELSE the next time you get home from your poopy job and need to unwind—like on my back, chest, shoulders, chin, belly, or maybe the base of my tail if you’re lucky.
And before you just start petting me, how about you let ME come to you first. I’ve talked to my other dog buddies—we don’t usually like feeling as if our space is being invaded. For real, take a CHILL PILL and just let me intiate snuggles with you first…THEN maybe you can scratch me.
And don’t even think about scratching me again before you wash those stinky fingers—I work too hard to look this cute. (But also intimidating. You’re intimidated, right?)